Are YOU the Bullied, the Bully, or the Bystander?

Hey, fellow moms. It’s such a treat to be addressing moms of Nashville, where I live too (well, in Lebanon … that counts, right?), and I’m grateful to Nashville Moms Blog for this opportunity. It’s a great place, Middle Tennessee, isn’t it? Full of music and food – and of course the fact that we’re on the very buckle of the Bible Belt.

But just like every other town in the U.S. (and elsewhere), the issue of bullying is huge, and even if you’re homeschooling your kids, they know it exists and eventually they’ll have to deal with it.

So how do we teach them? Anti-bullying campaigns are popping up everywhere, often with conflicting messages. Do we go with, “We’re raising a nation of victims, and these kids need to man up,” or “We must demand minus-five tolerance for mean behavior”?

As I see it…neither. In fact, no one sound byte or slogan is going to stop bullying—even our own “Bullying is SO not okay.” I do think we’re close, though, with, “Bullying is everybody’s problem.” Not just the schools’. Not just our kids’. Not just the parents’ of that 30% of children who are directly affected. As Abraham Heschel so wisely said, “Few are guilty. All are responsible.”

What I’m offering you today is a strong suggestion for your part in the issue, even if your children aren’t currently even witnessing bullying. That suggestion is: let’s take a look at the behavior we are modeling. Honestly, and in a non-judgmental way. I’ll just put three questions out there that directly impact how your son or daughter of any age will view bullying:

How do you show where your actual self-worth lies? Bullies zero in on anyone who doesn’t look like them, anyone who is “different” or doesn’t have the right stuff. Do you announce to your kids that you’re “having a fat day?” Do you put yourself down because you’re not measuring up somehow? Kids learn more from what we say about ourselves than from what we say about them. Low self-esteem makes a child a prime target for bullying.

Are you more likely to build other people up in your comments and conversations? Or tear them down? If our kids hear us say, “Bless her heart, she’s such a mess I can’t even stand to be around her,” they’ll think it’s okay to say that too. Except when it comes out of young-uns, who don’t have much in the way of filters yet, it’s usually more like, “She’s a total loser. Get her away from me.” That sort of judgmental, put-down talk can turn into bullying so fast it will, as my mother used to say, “jar your preserves.”

Do you reach out and protect the weak and disempowered, or ignore their situations? What we say and do when we’re confronted with homeless people, or even folks in our lives who have deep needs, goes further than any anti-bullying campaign in teaching our kids how to stand up for others who have lost sight of their power. “That’s none of our business.” “Those people created their own problems.” “I barely have the time and money to take care of my own family.” … you can see how that translates to, “Nobody’s bullying me, so it’s not my problem.”

I have tell you, I search my soul every single day to see how I’m doing in those three areas. I can’t write books and blogs for your young readers or stand up in front of them in schools and tell them bullying is so not okay if I’m not practicing every tenet I teach. All that eye-rolling and all those protests of, “Mom, you just don’t get it!” notwithstanding, our kids are watching every move we make. Let’s make those moves count in our battle against bullying.

2012 marked Nancy Rue‘s 30th year as a published author.  In that time, she has become a best-selling author of books for ‘tweens, teens and adults. Over her career she’s written more than 100 books and has won two Christy Awards as well as the Women of Faith Novel of the Year distinction.

Nancy travels North America speaking and teaching at schools, churches, home school groups, and for groups of ‘tween girls and their moms. Please contact Nancy if you are interested in more information on booking her for a workshop or event.  She lives in Tennessee with her husband, Jim. Their daughter, Marijean, son-in-law, Brian, and baby granddaughter Maeryn, live in nearby Nashville. The Rues’ two yellow labs and tabby cat King Arthur share Jim and Nancy’s home, and without them writing would be difficult.