How to Be Late Everywhere You Go

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How To Be Late Everywhere You Go NashvilleMomsBlog

I’ll never forget the time I hosted a party and had guests arrive on time. I was putting on my makeup in the bathroom mirror, and here were some punctual people coming to my party before I’d even set out the guacamole! Whatever happened to the social graces of yore, which dictated a total disregard for the clock? Being on time to places is something I have never struggled with—especially since having children. I am here to promise you one thing, and that is that I will NEVER be on time—not to your party, not to your birthday dinner, not to our prearranged business meeting. And you are WELCOME.

But I understand not everyone can be as award-winningly Late as I am, at least not all the time. If you’re one of the sad few who still arrives on time to places, you may be embarrassed to talk to a friend or doctor about your unfortunate issue. That’s why I’m here with a handy little guide to help you understand how best to be fashionably late everywhere you go, complete with acceptableness levels for each example, and lateness tips I’ve found extremely useful if you struggle with Punctuality Disorder.

For a party
Acceptableness level: 10
Everyone knows the old rule here. DO NOT be on time to a party. Arrive—at minimum—15 minutes late. Personally, I like to be up to three hours late. You don’t want to miss out on the food, but you want it to be nice and room temperature/stale by the time you get there.
Tips for the chronically punctual: For a potluck, don’t start preparing your dish until two minutes before you’re supposed to be there. Next, frantically smear on your lipstick while screaming at your children to hurry up and get ready.

For a playdate
Acceptableness level: 9
Let’s be honest, no one expects anyone to be on time for a playdate. Sticky kids running around screaming all morning and destroying someone’s house is just not something you need to rush to do.
Tips for the chronically punctual: Go ahead and do all the chores on your list, giving very little attention to the rapidly passing time. You can definitely fold those four loads of laundry, get the crock pot going, facilitate a massive art project with your kids, and repaint the guest room before you need to be there. DEFINITELY.

For dinner out with friends
Acceptableness level: 6
Your friends might be briefly annoyed that you’re running late AGAIN, but they’ll order two margaritas while they wait, and by the time you and your entourage of whiny kids get there, they’ll be feeling juuuuust fine.
Tips for the chronically punctual: Get your kids ready to go on time, but then give them bananas for a snack and paint dots for an activity, so that by the time you are ready to go they have completely ruined their clothing and there’s mashed fruit stuck to their hair. Bonus points if one or all kids suddenly need to go poop right as you are walking out the door.

For dinner out with just your own family
Acceptableness level: 8
Wait, just your own family? Psh. Forget those guys. They’ll be just fine. And you can bet they’re thinking the same about you as they order breadsticks and eat them all before you so much as grace the doorway.
Tips for the chronically punctual: First of all, if you’re meeting your family out for dinner that means your partner has your kids. What are we even talking about here? You need no tips. Do whatever the heck you want! Just sit in your car and read a book until your partner sends you six or seven angry texts and you can no longer avoid going into the restaurant.

For a wedding
Acceptableness level: 2-10
First, let’s determine whose wedding we’re talking about here. If you’re a bridesmaid, that’s a level two. You know how brides can be, and you do not want to invoke any panic by showing up just before showtime. Similarly, if you’re just a guest, brides don’t seem to appreciate when you walk down the aisle behind them. However, if it’s your own wedding? Be as late as you want, mama! That is one party that won’t start till you get there! Holla!
Tips for the chronically punctual: It’s remarkably easy to be late if you rely on a printed out page from Mapquest, but y’all don’t have to worry about that anymore, cause that was about a hundred years ago. These days, I recommend getting stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and screaming obscenities in your car while you put on mascara.

For a hair appointment
Acceptableness level: 7
Your hair person might give you a nasty look or whatever, but who cares, really? You’re paying them. Be as late as you want!
Tips for the chronically punctual: If you have to wait until they finish up with their next client because you were late, spend some extra quiet minutes looking at your phone, flipping through Vogue, or just staring at the walls in silence. If they tell you they’re unable to keep your appointment and you’ll have to reschedule, just sit there and do all those things anyway.

For dinner at a friend’s house
Acceptableness level: 4
This one’s tricky and kind of depends on how many other people are going as well as how much alcohol you bring with you as a gift for your host. You should probably try to keep your lateness within the half hour range, and apologies might be necessary.
Tips for the chronically punctual: Head out on time, but stop by the wine store on your way for the aforementioned reasons.

For dinner at your own house
Acceptableness level: 2
If your friends are knocking on your door and you’re not even home yet, they might be a tad bit put out. I recommend putting food hastily in the oven around the time your guests are supposed to be there, before rushing off to get ready yourself. With any luck they’ll have read this blog post and will also be nice and Late!
Tips for the chronically punctual: You should aim to at least be stepping out of the shower by the time your guests arrive. Holler down to your partner to start the wine flowing while you begin your frenzied I-have-nothing-no-nothing-to-wear ritual.

For a visit to the pediatrician
Acceptableness level: 0
Ok. Even I can’t apologize my way out of this one. Those receptionists will burn you, mamas. With their eyes, their words, and how long they keep you waiting in their germ-infested waiting rooms. And if they tell you you’ve missed your window and to just go home, they’ll send you a bill for $50! Don’t cross them.
Tips for the chronically punctual: No tips, just get there, for the love. In fact, do you have any tips for me?

For work
Acceptableness level: 4ish
It all depends. My old job was working for a theater, so you can bet we were never on time (because we were all up drinking working late the night before). If your job is cutting hair or being a pediatrician, well, I can’t help you.
Tips for the chronically punctual: My best advice is to wait until you’re supposed to be at work to finally stop pressing the snooze button.

For a job interview
Acceptableness level: -3
You MUST be on time for a job interview, or so I’ve heard. I’ve tried to stroll in using a mixture of my tips from all these categories, but (inexplicably) those guys conducting interviews do NOT seem to appreciate my beautiful, well-perfected Lateness.
Tips for the chronically punctual: If you’re running late, just keep on driving right past the place you thought you were going this morning. Get yourself a latte instead, then work on being late picking your kid up from school.

There you have it, mamas! I can tell you firsthand, there is just nothing like the rush of Lateness. I wouldn’t want you to go through life without it. Best of luck achieving the lofty Constantly Late standard I’ve set before you!

An alarm clock displaying the word "late". This could mean late for work, late for school, late for an appointment or meeting, etc.

1 COMMENT

  1. You make me laugh. This reminded me of the time I was actually ON TIME for a wedding of a super punctual friend. I thought all weddings started late, but not hers. There I was strolling into the church at 11 a.m. (it was a morning wedding so that was rough to begin with) and she was about to walk down the aisle! She was super cool and told us to go in the church… where everyone was waiting for the bride to walk in, but… surprise! Here comes Jackie and the Late Gang. I don’t even know if she remembers it, but I was mortified. Years later, she was my day-of coordinator for my wedding and things went like clock-work! haha!

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