How To Dress Your Baby Like A Rock God: A Lesson in Last-Minute Costuming

Boo.

That’s Boo. Not…

It’s almost Halloween, and I’m not excited. When October 31st rolls around, we all say, “Boo!” for different reasons. I say it because I have to mutilate a perfectly functional gourd and wear cat ears to the grocery store. Halloween has just never really been my thing. It could be the fact that Trick or Treating in Canada required a balaclava and an ice pick, or it could be that I still flashback to 2001 when I flitted about town dressed as a winged stripper convinced it was a costume and not a cry for help. Clearly, I’m still processing that mountain of shame.

Needless to say, as an adult, I abandoned the whole charade. Up until 2013, the only ritualistic pagan holiday I participated in regularly was Crabfest at Red Lobster. However, a few years after I gave up my French maid outfit for unlimited Cheddar Bay biscuits, I went and had a child—and now, things are different. As soon as the leaves turned orange and crunchy, my ingenuous demi-toddler morphed into a festive lunatic. He practically wets his pants every time he sees a “punkin,” and he has started referring to me as “big zombie.” Halloween is happening this year, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Until yesterday, (due to my commanding distaste for the scaring season and my propensity to delay the inevitable) my excited little gremlin of a boy didn’t even have a costume. So, what precisely does one do in the 11th hour when they are unwilling to spend all of their hard earned Crabfest money on a crushed velvet dinosaur costume in a plastic bag? They get creative. They peer into the depths of the junk drawer, and they figure something out. Sometimes, they dress their baby like a rock god.

This is Nashville. Music City. There are more telecasters per capita than vacuums in this town. My lawyer regularly wears sequins to court, and the guy that makes my coffee looks like folk-pop Abraham Lincoln. Everybody dresses like they’re in a band here, so why not my son?

After only a couple of hours of closet scavenging, I wound up with four easy, cheesy costumes.

On October 27th at 10:32 am, Wilder Emerson Miller: Rock God was born. Let me walk you through the metamorphosis from regular baby to musical legend.

WILLIE NELSON

Readers, meet Little Willie Nelson. Isn’t he cute?

He’s just like the real thing but with less bowel control.

All you need to create this Halloween masterpiece is a black tee shirt, some yarn, a bandana, and a needle and thread (or, if like me, you’re about as domestic as a NASCAR driver, some duct tape).

Oh, and don’t forget the mini guitar. I know you’ve got one.

I promise you this is the only costume that has actual steps, and they’re the absolute easiest:

1) Start with the braided bandana. I actually used a bandana headband, which I purchased from a kiosk in the mall to ward off a salesman who wanted to straighten my hair on Black Friday outside of the Yankee Candle Company last year.

Roll it up (The bandana! The bandana! I realize this is a Willie Nelson costume but get it together, you’re a parent) and secure it with a stitch or two if you like.

2) Grab that yarn and cut 18 strips about 12″ each. Divide into groups of three.

3) Take half of the strips, still keeping them divided and knot (or tape:) together. Braid away and secure with an elastic band. Repeat with the remainder.

Yup. That is gonna be a heck of a pigtail. I should’ve had a girl.

4) Now, all you have to do is attach them to the inside of the bandana either by stitching (you think you’re so ambitious, don’t you, Martha?!) or, by my preferred method, taping. (very, very carefully now, tape in the baby hair is no bueno)

Put that shirt on your child and get ready for the outlaw coronation……

Ta Da!!!!!

Note: If you have an adorable twisted sense of humor you could include another pretend Willie Nelson accessory that we at the Nashville Moms Blog are not at liberty to print. Just don’t tell anyone I encouraged you to do it.

ANGUS YOUNG

You might have had moments where you asked yourself what you were going to do with the 4-inch necktie that you registered for—consider that question answered.

This is ANGUS YOUNG(ER)

That’s right! This costume is not only a hilarious excuse to listen to “Thunderstruck” seven times in a row, it can (finally) bring some meaning to the questionable purchases of your past (You know I’m talking about that infant blazer, right??)

To transform your child into the world’s most beloved Scottish guitarist under 5’3’’ you will need the following:

White Shirt

Necktie

Shorts

Hat

Socks

Shoes

And of course, that tiny, baby axe that you secretly want to back over with the Subaru. (What?! I know I’m not alone.)

Just dress that tot of yours up, teach him a few chords, and you’re off to the races!

Let’s be honest, my little Wilder is kind of made for this get-up isn’t he? But it’s not exactly fair; he is, after all, a second generation Angus Young impersonator:

BUDDY HOLLY

I know what you’re thinking: “That kid looks like the bass player from every single band in East Nashville.” You’re not wrong, but what you’re forgetting is that the bass player from every single band in East Nashville looks like Buddy Holly. Remember him? Pioneer of American Rock n’ Roll music?

“That’ll Be The Day”?

“Peggy Sue”?

The guy who wore those glasses before it was cool?

Nothing?

Alrighty! Let’s just bill this costume as Buddy Holly/The Dude from Weezer. Either way, it’s an easy Halloween outfit for your future music nerd that can be assembled in less than 10 minutes and only has three components.

The Holly Trinity:

Glasses

Sweater or Blazer

Tie or bow tie

I almost forgot! You’ll be needing the dreadful guitar again, so go on and fish it out of your neighbour’s trash bin.

THE ENTIRE AMERICANA GENRE

If all of this is a little too mainstream for your infant, I understand. Wilder and I haven’t forgotten about the baby who falls asleep brokenhearted listening to Bon Iver records, the baby who identifies every color flashcard as blue. I’m not sure at what point everybody in music starting dressing like the adult human version of “Steamboat Willie,” but it sure seems to have caught on in the indie rock community. Since Wilder is quite taken with wearing suspenders and smoking a corn cob pipe (kidding), and I am an avid fan of “Newsies: The Musical,” we decided we ought to try our hand at something a little left of fun center.

I present to you:

Mumford & Sons/Lumineers/ Non-Descript Indie Musician of the Americana Variety

Now, the pieces of this costume are somewhat flexible, but suspenders and a newsboy cap don’t hurt. If your toddler looks like somebody who knows his way around a mule and cart, you’re on the right track. If he starts to smell like homemade swill, you’ve gone too far.

If there’s ever a time to ask your neighbour for a loaner mandolin, this is it. Given our geographic location, there is a 92% chance your request will be promptly filled. Also, just for the record, I’m not making fun of Americana music. I love it! It’s all I listen to when I’m not listening to “Thunderstruck.”

Take That, Crushed Velvet Triceratops! Halloween 2014 is officially looking up. If you’re like me, and you’d rather spend the day with your head in an overstuffed diaper pail than walk into one of those eerie costume stores with the strobe lights and fake blood, rest assured you needn’t worry. All is not lost. It is possible to hate Halloween and love your kids at the same time. It’s kind of fun actually. With a little junk drawer dumpster diving and some mild enthusiasm, you can create a unique, hilarious, and topical costume for your child (because my two year old really wanted something topical) without giving yourself an aneurism.