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Who is that Aging Woman in My Mirror?

It happened about two years ago.  I looked in the mirror and I could actually SEE new wrinkles around a pair of eyes.  My first thought was “this girl looks ragged!” Then the sad reality hit. That sad, ragged girl in the mirror? She was me.

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And as the bags under my eyes became more prominent, so did my white hair. I can’t even say gray hair because that hair growing in? BRIGHT WHITE. And I have black hair, so a few white hairs in a sea of black hair are like a lighthouse, guiding the nursing home closer and closer toward me. My husband tells me to just let it all go gray/white. Who cares?  Easy for him to say! Men just get more attractive as their hair grays.

Example: Matt LeBlanc. I started watching his new show Man with a Plan, and all I can think about when I watch that show? How I think he is so much more attractive now with a head full of gray hair than he was 12 years ago during Friends. (Also, Friends ended TWELVE YEARS AGO . . . how was that twelve years ago?!?!?! I’m so old . . .) If Jennifer Aniston went gray, do you think she’d still be gracing the covers of every magazine? I don’t think so. It’s not fair! My husband is a “Matt LeBlanc” type. He actually got excited when he found that one gray hair that dared grace his head. He said he found a gray hair there anyway. I’ve never actually seen it.

Now. I know I should get over myself. Stop being vain. Let nature take its course on my black hair, but I just can’t do it.  I feel like my black hair is my signature look. It’s my thing that says “yes, that is Amy.” And I will Clairol 2BB/24- Natural Blue Black my hair to cover my white hair AT LEAST until I have grandchildren. Possibly even after that.   

Yeah, definitely after that.

While wallowing in my self-despair brought on by wrinkles, white hair, and the fact that my knee now makes noises when I walk upstairs, I realized that while my outer appearance has gotten more haggard, my inner-self has gotten much better.

In my teens and twenties, I had a sharp tongue and harsh personality. When looking at situations everything was pretty much black and white. Situations were either good or bad. People were good or bad The decisions made by people were good or bad. No in-between existed. But I guess my wrinkles have also given me a little more softness. I’m still harsh and sometimes say hateful things I instantly regret. But I have also gotten a lot better at seeing different sides of situations.  I’m not as quick to judge as I used to be.  Becoming a parent will do that to you huh?  I have never failed as much as I have since becoming a parent. It has brought on a lot of self-awareness in how I act, treat, and think about others.

When I hear other people complaining about someone, I try to offer a different view of that person now instead of joining in on the dog-pile.  Although I sometimes still have to unload my snarky remarks to my husband just so I can get them out in the air, then I can move on to a nicer perspective.  (I’m still a work in progress…).  I now realize that not all situations and decisions are black and white.  People are all different and have different things going on in their life that affect how they act and live.  Instead of getting fired up quickly, I now try to calmly see situations for what they really are before reacting.  My husband has always been good at this, but it’s taken me awhile to catch on. 

So while my outside is horrifyingly betraying me, my inside is getting better and I like that.  Maybe by the time I’m 90 I’ll actually be a pleasant person to be around.  (Ha!) So until then, you will find my vain, shallow outer-self shopping for all of the retinol products and hair dye while I try to at least slow down the aging process.

I am definitely not perfect, but I’m better than I used to be. 

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