The Me I Used To Be

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I miss my pre-kid life.

That’s a tough thought to publicly throw out there. It sounds as if I’m saying I wish I weren’t a mother. Let me assure you—that’s not the case. I love my children with a love that knows no bounds. They are the light of my life, and I would do absolutely anything for them (and I do). They are the best thing that ever happened to me, and even if I had it to do again, I’d do it all the same if it meant I got them in the end.

Motherhood is just, well…hard. I’m a full-time single mom. It’s only my kids and me 24/7. They fully depend on me for absolutely everything, and it sure feels like a lot of responsibility for one person to shoulder.

The tendency these days seems to be to make your life revolve around your children in every way. It’s not ideology for me—that is my life whether I like it or not. I’m a firm believer in making it a point to maintain an identity of your own and take time for yourself in order to be the best mom you can be. That choice is not one that’s on the table for me though, and I feel myself slip away a little more every day. When I’m asked what I enjoy doing in my spare time, I can’t ever come up with much to say. Apart from identifying as a mother, I’m not sure who I am anymore.

used to be Nashville Moms Blog single mom

Every single decision I make has a direct affect on two small humans. Sophia Loren said “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice—once for herself and once for her child.” According to that logic, I’m thinking everything through at least 3 times. Even before I had children, I wasn’t the best decision-maker, but now I absolutely agonize over my decisions and how they might affect my kids. Surprisingly, this part leaves me feeling more exhausted than the actual physical work of single parenting.

It’s not the long, crazy nights, the leisurely shopping trips, or the spur of the moment carefree vacations of my previous life that I actually miss (though the shopping trips and the vacations were pretty cool), nor is it the more selfish and decidedly less empathetic version of myself that I was in that stage of life. What I long for is the amount of freedom that old life enabled me to have both in thoughts and actions. These days, a trip to the grocery store requires just about as much forethought as a week-long excursion did back then. In the rare times that the opportunity to go to the grocery store solo has presented itself, I’ve been known to wander around somewhat aimlessly just reveling for a moment in how good it feels to be alone. Sometimes the reality of that saddens me.

Ah, peace and quiet...
Ah, peace and quiet…

At this point, you may be thinking that I am the one who chose to become a mother, and should, therefore, quit my whining. Becoming a mother was my choice—this much is true. I delight in my children and spend my days trying to ensure that they can thrive. These are not thoughts and feelings I make a practice of expressing. Actually, this may be the first time I’ve shared them. When all is said and done, I’m not supermom. I’m just a human mom doing the best she can. My hope is that another mom in the same boat is encouraged to know she’s not alone. I see you, sister. If I could, I’d whisk us away for a glass of wine, but I hope that knowing you aren’t alone is enough for now.

6 COMMENTS

  1. I think this is something really hard to talk about and not something we see in the Facebook posts in our faces every day! I’m not a mom yet, but I often wonder how I’ll maintain my “self” while being there for my naturally needy kids. An old friend of mine reserves Monday nights as her spa nights and spends them completely alone. Even then, it must be like your Sophia Loren quotation above–never truly alone in your thoughts. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I’m not a single mom but I feel this, I see this and I understand this. My husband asked me a few years ago what I liked to do because I was struggling to explain why I needed time away and to myself, even though I was home all day with our daughter. I couldn’t come up with anything I would want to go do…. Besides grabbing a drink with a friend (which happens about 3 times a YEAR, maybe).
    It became a loving joke between my husband and I that I had no hobbies, no life, no friends. (We have a very light-hearted, loving and silly marriage so I promise he wasn’t being an ass.) But it was sort of true. I have a few very close friends but I don’t see them often, as they are busy mom’s too. I do have a life, it just was always revolving around my daughter and family. But for hobbies, I really DIDN’T have any and didn’t have the time for any.
    At that point, I made it a priority to find “me” again. Even if it’s just one evening a week, a cycling or kick-boxing class, dinner with a friend or a stop at a book store with coffee in had to browse. I’m fortunate that I have an understanding and supportive husband who helps facilitate this every week. Not only have I noticed the difference in myself but my husband had noticed how much happier I am. It’s truly been a new awakening for me. I’m not the same person I was back then, but I’m creating this newer, better version of myself. It feels awesome.
    So single-mom, I know your circumstances are much different than my own, but hang in there. Try to squeeze in a little “you time” whenever you can. You deserve it, you’re worth it and it will only improve the mom that you are.

  3. I needed this today! I’m not a single mom and I only have one 10-month old, but I’m strugglin! I LOVE every minute with my daughter, but I have lost myself. I feel so far gone, it’s overwhelming to think about trying to find myself again. I appreciate your honesty!

  4. With the exception of having 3 kids vs 2 I could’ve written this article. It’s so bad people sometime refer to my pre-single Mom self as a past tense/different person and sadly they are right. I know that the day will come, probably quickly, when they will be grown and gone but I’ll also be 20 years older and I don’t want to wish their childhood away.
    We’re a sisterhood that very few outside can understand and for their sake I’m grateful. It’s immensely, overwhelmingly, and painfully difficult, but the rewards are plenty. Savor them and know that finding yourself again won’t be very difficult but reliving these years with them will be impossible. Hang in there…

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