The Myth of the Mom Identity

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The Myth of the Mom Identity NashvilleMomsblog

Before Noah was old enough to understand what Trick-or-Treating was, a friend of mine told me that her mom had made all their Halloween costumes every year when she was growing up. It was a lovely memory for her, and Halloween a nostalgic time, and I loved the idea so much that I stole it and decided then and there that I’d never buy my kids a Halloween costume off the Target rack. I’d make those memories for my kids, too. So at the beginning of October that year, I asked Noah what he wanted to be for Halloween, and I promised him we’d make the costume ourselves, togetherβ€”whatever he wanted.

He wanted to be a dump truck. (Might as well hit the ground running, right?)

We spent the next few weeks collecting cardboard and cutting and gluing and decorating and brainstorming ways to put him inside the thing, and as he was a two-and-a-half-year-old version of Bob the Builder, he had some very specific instructions about the placement of the steering wheel and lights, etc. (of course). We were in the middle of this somewhat gigantic undertaking when, one afternoon at the park, I overheard another mother scoff at the idea of making her daughter’s Halloween costume. β€œWho has the time for that?” she laughed. I helped Noah down the fire pole and felt my cheeks burn. Why did it fill me with sudden hot shame that I DID have time for just that? What had my life become, that I spent my days making a dump truck out of Amazon boxes? Was I (gasp!) that mom?! The over-achiever mom? The mom who had nothing better to do with her time because her identity was wrapped completely around her kids?

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At the time I was working on the epic dump truck costume, I had a six-month-old daughter who wouldn’t sleep if I wasn’t holding her all night long while she was attached to my boob like a leech. I had a toddler who, well, wanted things like dump truck costumes. I was also volunteering quite a few late-night hours at a local theatre, attending meetings and shows and events several times a month, was leading a book club, and was the exclusive cook in our family. Occasionally, I also did laundry and picked up toys and took showers. So no, I didn’t have time to make my son’s Halloween costume. But I made time to do it anyway, because it was important to me, and because I loved doing it. So if I loved it, what was making me feel guilty and inadequate? Who was I? β€œJust” a mom, now? And if so, why couldn’t that be enough?

The truth is, ever since I had Noah, I had struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Once, a working mother told me her daughter enjoyed how β€œslow” things were at my house. She meant it as a compliment, but it tore at me. Somehow, it felt like she was saying I was slow, like the only thing I was good at was facilitating toddler painting projects. I suffered a weird internal conflict whenever someone asked me, β€œSo what do you do?” I admitted to being a stay-at-home-mom, but felt the need to caveat: I have a degree! I used to do xyz! I worked here! I met these people! I did this! I almost NEVER watch soap operas while eating bon-bons! It wasn’t just me, either; I could tell people felt the need to try and validate me. β€œOh, a stay-at-home-mom is the most important job in the whole world,” I heard all the timeβ€”mostly from men. Even more insulting were the mothers who laughed, β€œOh, I could never do it. Hats off to you!”

And I understood what they meant. Yes,Β there were days when I was so bored I took my toddler to Target just to walk around among fully-grown, toilet-using humans. There were days I had to drink just one more cup of coffee to delay playing cars for even five more minutes. There were days when I longed to put on a skirt and heels, sit at a desk, answer emails, have actual conversations, exercise my brain.Β But those moments were few and far between. I didn’t really want to go back to work. I wanted to soak up all my time with my little one. I had actual nightmares about missing his babyness, his childhood, and I knew going back to work was the wrong decision for me. After that second cup of coffee, I relished zooming cars around the floor with my son, seeing what worlds we’d enter under his imaginative direction, taking him to the zoo, the park, on play dates, baking together, reading book after book after book, and facilitating those painting projects. I wouldn’t have traded that sweet time for even the best career move.

Did you see the NY Times article that went viral recently, β€œOur β€˜Mommy’ Problem”? To completely generalize, it was about how we mothers tend to lose our identityβ€”after we have kids the rest of the world suddenly just sees us as β€œmom” and about how much current cultural pressure there is on us to be completely β€œall in, all the time,” going above and beyond as mothers and how we should be happy with ourselves without having to DO all the time. It was such a great and inspiring article, but something about it didn’t sit right with me. I finally put my finger on it the other day.

One of the stories in the article is about a mom who takes a standard-issue school t-shirt and β€œpainstakingly” alters it for her daughter so it has fringe and cuffed sleeves and a cinched waist. The author makes her opinion about someone who would take time and energy to do something like that pretty clear; you can almost see her rolling her eyes as she types. But, I couldn’t help thinking, what if that mother did that because she likes to sew? What if crafts are herΒ forte? What if, before she had kids, she was a costume designer, and projects like that one are her outlet?

What about the proverbial mom who harvests and hand-mashes organic apples to make from-scratch applesauce for her toddlers? β€œToo much,” we groan, but what if gardening and cooking are her passions in life? Most importantly, what about the mothers who always wanted to be β€œall-in” stay-at-home-moms? Or the mothers who figured out they wanted to be β€œall-in” after they had kids? I never knew I wanted to stay home with my children until I met my son. I never pictured myself the kind of mother who would bake bread or home school or make Halloween costumes or buy a minivan until I had my children; but after I did, I realized that is exactly the kind of mother I want to be.

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There’s an implication, in addition to (yet opposite of) what the author of the NY Times article describes, and that is that the cultural pressure is on mothers to maintain a sense of self, like somehow being β€œall-in, all the time” with our kids means we aren’t fully US. That anyone who would take time to sew her daughter’s school shirt to make it extra special must have lost her sense of self-worth, her very identity. EvenΒ as I struggled to remember who I was after I had kids, I threw myself into my new life and found I truly enjoyed those β€œslow” afternoons of painting, baking, listening to Wee Sing records. Was it ok for me to love my new life, yet need my old one, too? Of course! That’s what makes life interesting, isn’t it?

It’s ok to be all in, all the time, if you want to be. Just like no mother should feel ashamed about not having time (or desire!) to do a daily art project with her kids while frosting scratch-made cupcakes, no mother should feel ashamed for enjoying those very things. While not for everyone, some mothers will rock the stay-at-home-mom gig. Some will do massive craft projects with and for their children, will home school or spend hours volunteering at their kids’ schools, will bake, will sew, will amaze with Pinterest-style parties, will harvest eggs at sunrise from their chicken coop so they can make fresh omelettes before the rest of their family awakes for the day, will spend theirΒ days building forts out of sheets in theirΒ living rooms and reading books aloud from inside them. AND THAT’S OKAY. As long as that’s what those mothersΒ love doing!

I realize now that in becoming a mother, I didn’t lose my identity. I found it. I picked up another piece of who I am, a piece I didn’t know I could have, a piece that would end up completing me. After all, one’s identity isn’t a fragile organism that she must guard and protect; it’s multi-faceted, ever-growing, ever-evolving…ever-beautifying.

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9 COMMENTS

  1. YES! Yes, yes, yes. As someone who loves cooking + baking + sewing + crafting + all that stuff (and also did long before I had a kiddo), this resonates with me 100%. And, after having my first child 18 months ago, I now find that I enjoy those things even MORE now than I used to. People seem baffled on occasion that I have the time/energy to sew her a special dress, or do handprint crafts with her, or make her food from scratch, or whatnot. But it’s easy for me – I find the time to do those things because I LOVE them! I loved doing crafty/homemakery stuff before I ever was even married, + now that I have a child, I love it even more. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Megan….
    Thank You! This is exactly how I feel! This has to be the best blog post I’ve read EVER! I am Me! Candi, an educated woman, a wife, a mother, and a friend…. All equally a piece of me- staying home does not change any of it and I do not struggle in the least bit to enjoy it as much as I can…. Good for you and good for us for being secure in who we ARE and will always be!

  3. Thank you for this post. I really needed to read that. It hit right where I’ve been struggling lately. I’m one of those mom’s who didn’t know she wanted to stay at home untill my Bug was born. But I can’t imagine any other life. We read all the time and sometimes that makes me feel like the weirdo mom. But it’s what we love and it makes us happy. Keep rocking on Super star Mom.

  4. My exact feelings! I never felt like I lost myself but found myself. Never knew I needed to stay home until I met my son. In that moment I found my calling. This was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  5. Thank you so much for this article! You put my exact feelings into words! I HAVE felt inadequate too. But after reading this I feel better. It’s TOUGH being a stay at home mom. It’s the hardest career move I have ever made. My bosses are so dang cute and funny yet have their crazy, make-me-wanna-quit moments. But that’s all, moments πŸ™‚ I am crafty and will dig deeper to bring that out for my girls! It is a special feeling when your mom made you something!
    Thanks again! I enjoyed this!
    PS
    I’m that mom that still makes organic applesauce lol! Been making it since my oldest was 5 months old and she’s now 3 years old πŸ˜‰

  6. Thank you for this amazing article! I too am crafty by nature and love making things with/for my boys … I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was a stay-at-home mom after each boy was born, but I now work full-time and still enjoy (and find time) to make special things for them. While I understand the comments like “where do you find the time to do this?” are coming from a good place, I also view it as a backhanded compliment. People make time for what they love, which is why I do what I do!

  7. Love this! As my children are in their tween years life gets even better. Discovering their passions, supporting them and helping them find their way-there is no where I would rather be. Great article!

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