Totally Useful Step-by-Step Guide to Christmas Crafting with Your Kids

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Christmas is such a beautiful holiday. The twinkly lights, the glow of a fire, the frosted windows, the peaceful blankets of snow (that I’ve seen in pictures)…AHHH. It makes anyone want to take their kids out in 35 degree weather to Shelby Bottoms Park, force them into coats and hats and gloves (which they love and never scream about like they’re being set on fire), rip them out of the warm car, and repeatedly yell at them that they’re here to find pinecones and they’re going to freaking love this project you have in mind for them this afternoon IF THEY’LL STOP WHINING FOR ONE ONE HUNDREDTH OF A SECOND.

Come on, get real. Kids stink at crafts. I mean I’m a grown woman, and I might call myself mediocre at crafts on my best day, so it’s not entirely their fault. Their hands are tiny. Their fine motor skills are crap. They act like apes who can’t control how much paint they’re squeezing out all over the floor. But that doesn’t ever stop me (for some reason) from attempting these massive craft projects with my kids around the holidays. After all, kids on Pinterest are doing it! Just look! It doesn’t look like they’re covered from head to toe in glue, and they’re even smiling, so I know we can do it, too! Join me this season, mamas, as we deck our halls with (sticky, weirdly-shaped) boughs of holly (berries we found in the yard and told our confused kids to glue to a piece of green construction paper).

CHRISTMAS CRAFT TO DO LIST

Bake and Decorate Cookies

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Step 1. Pull out all the ingredients. Then turn around to get measuring cups out of the drawer while your two-year-old opens the bag of flour and dumps it onto the floor.
Step 2. Strategically scrape two cups of flour off the top of the pile on the floor, and give to your older child to pour into the bowl while your younger child screams that it’s her turn and you’re mean and unfair.
Step 3. Finish the measuring and pouring yourself while your children cry, then give the kids spoons to stir the batter.
Step 4. Clean batter goo off your kids’ hair, and throw their goopy clothes into the washing machine.
Step 5. Remember to clean their hands after they’ve run around the entire house in roughly 20 seconds, touching every single piece of upholstery and every pet you own.
Step 6. Bake cookies and allow to cool before frosting. Decide to do the food coloring bit yourself because you’re, like, so smart.
Step 7. Hand the kids a spatula and the frosting, pour yourself a cup of coffee, and vow not to give a flying flip how the cookies look.
Step 8. Enjoy the finished product: soggy cookies, a few frosted nicely but for the random teeth marks and fingerprints, a few pale with the frosting that used to be on them before it got licked off. Wrap ‘em up and give ‘em to a neighbor! Who doesn’t love Christmas cookies?

Create an Advent Calendar

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Step 1. Cut a vaguely-shaped Christmas tree out of cardboard, then cut out square shapes with the numbers 1 through 24 written on them.
Step 2. Have the kids paint the tree green. Laugh jovially when they also use red, orange, pink, and black and have poured out all the glitter.
Step 3. Paste the numbers onto the sparkly, vomit-colored tree in numerical order, leaving a pocket at the top of each square.
Step 4. I said leave a pocket at the top. No, like THIS. LIKE THIS! Wait, what are you doing? Wait, stop—the three goes here. HERE! Because…because it comes after two! No, STOP, that doesn’t go there. What, are we going to have the 19th day of December on the 8th?! BECAUSE I’M OLDER THAN YOU, AND I KNOW WHERE 19 GOES ON A CALENDAR!
Step 5. Pour yourself a cup of coffee with a little whiskey in it, then post a picture of the finished product on Instagram! Fun!

Create and Send Holiday Greeting Cards

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Step 1. Haul out old holiday cards, and have the kids cut them up. Take the scissors away after the first stabbing incident.
Step 2. After the meltdown over scissors is over, pass out some glue sticks, and have the kids glue their cutouts onto construction paper. Since the kids are definitely not bored with this project by now and are absolutely wanting to sit still in their chairs for another 15 minutes, this step will be fun for them. Especially since they totally get the concept of sending holiday greetings to loved ones.
Step 3. Now it’s time to write a message in the cards. Ask the kids to think about each family member or friend to whom you’d like to send a card. As they run off to chase each other with glue sticks instead, remind them to keep the glue on BODIES ONLY, NO FURNITURE OR WALLS.
Step 4. Write the darn message yourself.
Step 5. Mail to family and friends! Grandma will LOVE these and will surely not recognize the cards she’s sent us for the last four years on there!

Make a handprint ornament

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Step 1. Mix enough flour and water to form dough, then roll it out while your kids are watching The Dinosaur Train and can’t see you.
Step 2. Have the kids place their hand in the soft dough, then cut the dough around their handprints in a circle shape. Patiently explain that it’s sharp and dangerous when they want the knife. As they begin to cry and scream at you for preventing them from cutting off their own fingers, close your eyes and breathe. Picture your happy place. For me, it’s a white, sandy beach, and I’m on a lounge chair beneath a palm tree. There’s a gentle breeze, and the sounds of rushing water and seagull calls fill my ears. A tuxedoed man with a towel draped over one arm brings me a fruity drink with a tiny umbrella in it. I don’t take my eyes off my book as I take it off the silver tray, bring it to my lips and sip… Hm? Oh, sorry, where was I?
Step 3. Rip yourself out of your happy place to find your kids putting their doughy hands all over the couch and laughing as they make gloopy handprint after sticky handprint. It’s too late to do anything about it now, and they’re playing so nicely together… Meh. Just let it go.
Step 3. Bake the ornaments until they harden, then have your kids paint them and dump mountains of glitter on them. Put their names and the year on the backs. Smile at the finished product! But wait, something’s missing…
Step 4. Oh, no! You need a hole in the top so you can make hang them from a tree! Mama, this one’s on you. You can’t blame your kids when you were so busy in your happy place that you forgot to put a hole in the ornament before you baked it. Kick yourself, swear under your breath RIGHT as the oldest kid runs by so he hears and begins chanting it loudly and with gusto, mimicked quickly and accurately by his baby sister All. Over. The. House. Skip the coffee, and pour yourself a glass of wine.
Step 5. Before wrapping them up and putting them underneath the tree (which only has ornaments on the top half for obvious reasons), add a note that says “Enjoy your paperweight!”

For personalized tips, leave a comment below, and a well-trained staff member will send you a step-by-step list of instructions. MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL!

(Sincerest apologies in advance if you get a handmade greeting card from us, and please ignore the faint whiff of booze as you open the envelope.)

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