In my darkest hours, I fantasize about the payback. I KNOW you know what I’m talking about. On the days that you look in the mirror and think “What’s that on my shirt? Is that poop or chocolate?” But then you don’t even change—because, whatever, man. One day this tiny human who follows me everywhere is going to be a full grown, uncool mom JUST LIKE ME. When that happens, I am going to use some of her favorite tricks to turn the tables—so she knows just what it feels like. Today I’m sharing with you the top nine things from her repertoire that have made my payback list….
1. Visit after she has a baby, wait for the baby to fall asleep, then stand outside that baby’s door and scream “I HAVE TO POOP. CAN YOU COME WIPE ME?”
2. Pee the bed at 2 am. Then, instead of telling my daughter what I did, I’m going to crawl into bed between her and her husband with my favorite pee-soaked blanket. This will ensure she has to spend the next day washing all of her bedding. I will not help.
3. Wake her up at 6 am by slamming her bed room door repeatedly. When she asks me what’s wrong, I’m going to angrily yell “I’M MAD THAT YOU’RE NOT MAKING ME WAFFLES!” even though no promises of waffles had been made. Then I shall walk out without any further explanation.
4. Ask for a plate of dry cheerios for breakfast. Tell her I’m really good at catching them in my mouth. I’ll actually be terrible at it and will subsequently scatter 200 cheerios on the kitchen floor. When she says “Mom, you’re a grownup. What are you doing? Can you pick those up?” I will make direct eye contact and silently walk through the cheerio minefield to go lie upside down on the couch.
5. Make her take me to Costco the week of Thanksgiving. Hopefully, my grown child will look at me and say “You’re acting really weird today. What was that stunt you pulled with the Cheerios? Can you just stay next to me?” My mouth will say “Ok.” But my mind? My mind will say, “This is the perfect time to check the slipperiness of my jeans!” Then I will immediately take a running start and slide across the floor on my knees—causing several adults to crash their carts together trying to avoid me.
6. Tell her I want to snuggle—and then fart on her face. Loudly.
7. Go with her to her pastor’s house. Then, while she’s having an adult conversation with the pastor’s wife, I will find a tampon in her purse, unwrap it, and casually toss it into the middle of the room.
8. Go with her to one of her best friend’s houses to visit her friend’s newborn. While everyone is talking, I will fart three times then run into the kitchen out of shame. If my daughter tries to comfort me by saying, “It’s OK, mom. Everyone farts,” I will only scream.
9. Sit in the backseat of her minivan and tell her to pull over for cookies. When she refuses (and hopefully asks me why a grown woman wanted to sit in the back row), I’ll throw my shoe at her head—with surprising accuracy—while she is driving 75 mph.
I’m not kidding, you guys. I’m doing all of these one day. Check in with me in 30 years!