Family Planning (aka When You Think You’re Calling the Shots but God is LOL)

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I was five years old when Little Becky Davis edged me out for the title of “Little Miss Bonnie Straw & Hay Days.” All because I told the judges I wanted to be an artist when I grew up, and she said—in her sweet little voice—that she wanted to be a mommy. So cute. There are those, like Little Becky Davis, who plan from an early age to be mothers. Some get hit with an intense pull to nurture children. I never had that, really. Not that I didn’t want children—it was just more of a given. I had a childhood, I had a mom, I liked both, so, yeah. When it came to family planning, I figured children would be a part of the equation.   

That said, my approach to family building was pretty laid back, but I did develop some reasonable preferences.

Preference #1:

I would prefer not to have three daughters. I’m allowed this opinion because I am one of three daughters. And though my two sisters are my best friends, I’m sure you can imagine the drama. Our lives have been riddled with phone conversations with Mom that go like this:

Mom: I heard you’re visiting (Insert sister name here) this weekend. That’ll be fun.  

Me: Yeah, I’m looking forward to it. Here it comes.  

Mom: I don’t know if you invited (insert sister name here), she’d be hurt if she found out the two of you were getting together and didn’t ask her to go.  

Hence, it is impossible for any two of us to hang out together and not have guilt. Surely this must only happen in female triangles? So give me sons. Give me a daughter or two—but not three.

Preference #2:

No twins. Lots of people, as it turns out, are fascinated by twins, wish they had a twin, hope to have twins. Pre-parenting, when I thought of twins, I thought of Doublemint Gum commercials. Zero fascination. Then my oldest sister had twins. I loved them from day one. But for two years, my sister’s family would blow into my parents’ house for a family occasion, strained from carrying car seats, eyebrows furrowed with frustration, and a faint trace of PTSD. There was no part of this that I wanted. More than once, I said, “I could never have twins. I don’t know how she does it.”

So, it was a done deal.  No three girls. No twins.

In 2009, my husband and I had our first child, a little girl we named Sabrina. Then, in April of 2013, after two years of trying for a second child, an ultrasound technician looked at a screen and said, “so, you’re having identical twins,” as casually as if she were telling us the day’s lunch specials. (Sidenote: while we were undergoing fertility treatments, that only got us pregnant. It didn’t cause the twin split.) In July, we found out that they were girls. I’m sure there’s a very long Good Will Hunting math problem that could explain the statistical likelihood of all this taking place.

family planning sisters three girls Nashville Moms Blog
My sisters and me. And what I hope for my three girls.

I came unhinged. It had been a frustrating, emotionally draining couple of years trying to get pregnant the second time. And the only two things I had asked for had been completely disregarded. My panic at the thought of going from one to three children—girls!—caused me to magnify the possible negatives by a factor of 100. Sabrina would be neglected, my personal goals would shrivel up and die, and the universe would be forever altered. And God was pointing at me and laughing.

mom with painting of three girls family planning Nashville Moms Blog
My sisters and I gifted this to our mom last year. Now I just need one for my house.

Then they were born, and—no lie!—the first six months like’ta killt me. And one night, as I ate a five minute “dinner,”  and four-year-old Sabrina ran in with a nearly face-splitting smile on her face saying, “Okay!  I need help here! I got two cryin’ babies, and I don’t know which one to go to first!” She was loving it. The fears that Sabrina’s magic would be snuffed out by neglect and resentment have dissolved into glitter and sunshine.

sisters family planning three girls Nashville Moms Blog
Halloween costumes for three. Sandy, Sandy, and Ursula. One of these things is not like the other. But she owns it.

It’s still so hard some days. Colds and vomit come in twos. Often. We both work full time. I’m tired, stretched too thin, and I’m not gonna lie—I have no regrets about having my tubes tied. But I can do three daughters. I’ll master the art of my mom’s guilt phone call and have panic attacks at the costs of prom dresses and weddings. My husband, like my dad, will someday tell my daughters that I am being  difficult because I am going through “the change of life.”  

Eat your heart out, Little Becky Davis.  I want to be a mommy.

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Kristen Cherry
Kristen moved to Nashville from Illinois (not Chicago!) 10 years ago to pursue a career in music. She landed a steady gig as a high school counselor, which is pretty much the same thing as being a famous singer, except not. She lived in a modest rancher in South Nashville with her husband Matt, loyal mutt Dexter, and her daughter Sabrina, until they found out she was pregnant with identical twins and fled to the suburbs for a larger house. She and Matt now occupy space in Nolensville with their three daughters: Sabrina (7), Brooklyn (3) and Camryn (3), and Dexter is still loyal as ever. When she is not at work, taking care of the fam, or driving around in the minivan she swore she'd never own, Kristen loves doing just about anything that could be described as "me time" — from boxing to baking. Singing is still her passion, and since moving here she has rekindled her love for writing...so here goes. :-)

2 COMMENTS

  1. “it is impossible for any two of us to hang out together and not have guilt. Surely this must only happen in female triangles?” This is hilarious. I am the oldest of four girls. So yeah, the guilt is real.

  2. Oh yes. Sometimes we have to think back and say, “Well, a few months ago I hung out with Traci, and Alison couldn’t come (or vice versa), so if anyone has a problem with me and Alison hanging out this time without Traci, that is our justification.” A valid justification is always necessary! It’s not like that with guys, surely. Thanks for commenting!

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