I cannot change a tire, everything I make in my slow cooker is brown and scary, and the last book I read (for myself) was about an enterprising group of prepubescent babysitters. I have a few lovely qualities, but I’m not exactly known as a well of fascinating and useful information around here. Unless we’re talking about baby products.
I’ve had three kids in three years, and what I have lost in pelvic floor strength I have gained in child rearing know-how—especially in the terribly complex field of buying things. So, without further pageantry I present to you:
FIVE BABY PRODUCTS THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR WORLD
Fact: Your children will destroy your home. They will fill it with love, joy, and lots and lots of weird stains and garbage. I have some particularly bad news for those 1899 hardwood floors that you painstakingly restored. They’e about to be covered by a giant, phthalate-free slab of multicolored foam. Play mats, y’all—not awesome to look at, but really awesome at preventing baby injuries.
Don’t get the alphabet one. Sure, it is cute and popular, but it’s impossible to clean (Have you ever Swiffered a jigsaw puzzle?) Also, your kiddo will take extreme pleasure in disassembling it letter by letter as soon as he/she is able, and before long you’ll be finding half-eaten vowels in your bed.
This is what you need:
The Baby Care play mat will last your baby from tummy time to toddlerhood. It is reversible, easy to roll up and stow (for those times when your adult eyes get tired of staring at all of the happy little forest creatures), and clean up is borderline effortless. It’s also pretty great if you want to throw out a couple of downward dogs during nap time.
It’s BPA, EVA, Latex, Mercury, Lead and you guessed it, Phthalate free. Score.
Get right on it. It’s worth the extra dough. I have four #asylumvibes
Now that you’ve provided your child with a padded room, you might as well go ahead and get her a nice sturdy straight jacket to complete the look. #moreasylumvibes
I get it, the Miracle Blanket looks a wee bit sinister, but trust me. It is a total lifesaver for a colicky baby. Recommended by pediatricians, post-partum doulas, and parents, the Miracle Blanket uses baby’s own body weight to guarantee a safe, secure swaddle from which even the craftiest nugget can’t wiggle free.
Bottom Line: Register for this, expectant mama. You might end up with a great sleeper or you might have a baby who basically lights those darling muslin swaddle blankets on fire and cackles manically in his crib until 4am. Consider the Miracle Blanket your insurance policy.
Confession: I have no idea how PhysiObebe works, and I definitely don’t know how to pronounce it. All I know is that it is pure magic. And I don’t use that term lightly. I’ve seen David Copperfield’s live show twice, guys.
No-rinse cleaning solution. It’s utter genius, right?! It was probably formulated by a physician or a scientist or a sorcerer or some other highly qualified thinker, but I stopped contemplating the origin of PhysiObebe as soon as my children stopped smelling like they had been rolling in rotten tacos.
PhysiObebe is gentle enough for newborn skin (GREAT for baby acne) but powerful enough to erase the stank from my toddler, who is basically a card carrying Wildling.
Diaper rash. It’s the absolute pits—enough to drive a parent mad. You might think you can handle seeing your little bundle of love in pain, but before long? You’ll have cut dairy, soy, legumes, and happiness from your diet. And you’ll be spraying PAM on your baby’s flaming red undercarriage because your second cousin’s maid of honor told you it would clear things right up. While your kiddo might sail through his first year without so much as a hint of blush on the rear, if you suspect he’s got delicate skin—like my shockingly pale children—you might consider to switching to Water Wipes. Completely chemical free and 99.9% water, Water Wipes are safe, soothing, and scent free.
IMHO, putting snaps on baby jammies should be a felony. Nothing screws with a new parent’s sleep deprived mind like trying to snap a drowsy baby into his clothes without waking him after a triumphant midnight poo. You get one leg clasped and think you’re out of the woods—then all of a sudden you get to the crotch…
WHAT. IS. HAPPENING?!?!?!
There are 14 snaps going in different directions, and you just want to die.
The baby will wake up and start crying because he heard YOU crying and ….
Just buy the zipper ones, kay?