Staying at the Table: Six Tips on (Eventually) Eating Out with Kids

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Last week, we met some friends for dinner with our kids and it was . . . bananas. I mean, it was pure chaos—the kind of evening that kid-less couples use to explain to their friends why they’re perfectly fine with their loving Labradoodle, thankyouverymuch. Our kids were climbing the walls (literally—there was a latticework thing that some person who has never met a child had designed and stuck up on the wall), crayons and milk were flying all over the place, rice was covering every surface. Did I mention there was screaming? (Okay, parents were screaming too, but it was the only way to be heard over the screams of our offspring.) The wait staff were just throwing in their aprons and walking out of the place.

It made me realize how little we go out to dinner with our kids. Honestly, while going out used to be easier and more relaxing when it was just my husband and me, it’s so much easier to eat at home now that we have monkeys sharing our table. At home, it’s fine if the kids are finished with their entire meal—complaints and picking out the peas and all—before the grown-ups even finish pouring their wine. It’s also fine, even preferable, for them to then take off out the back door—giving the adults some peace and quiet to talk about our days (and how annoying our kids are being). The problem is that kids can’t run out the back door at a restaurant. They can’t even crawl under the table or visit other people (who hired a babysitter) at their tables. They’re forced to sit there with you until you scarf down your enchiladas at warp speed (because you know you have only T-minus-4-minutes until your kids implode and the restaurant and all its inhabitants disappear into a black hole, leaving a crater where Rosepepper used to be).

Needless to say, eating out with kids—at a restaurant, where there are other human beings, is nowhere near the enjoyable experience it used to be when it was just the two of you. Some might actually say it’s like living in a Steven King novel. At what point do children learn to behave like normal people and not like gremlins when dining away from home? Or is that something we have to teach them—like so many other lessons for which we parents are responsible?

The truth is, mamas, I don’t know the answer. I know, you were looking for six actually helpful tips from someone who has actually had success getting her kids to sit still and be patient at a restaurant. I can’t help you. But I can tell you what my husband and I have decided to try together at home in hopes that we will one day be able to go out to eat, finish our beers calmly without guzzling them, and leave the place without indigestion for once in five years.

  1. We ask questions. Kids are, like, so selfish, man. They want the party to be all about them. If my hubby and I start yammering on and on about our days, the kids are, like, bye! So we try to engage them. We ask them what the best part of their day was, the worst, and what they’re thankful for; or we ask what made them mad, sad, and glad; or we ask them a random question (“If you could invite anyone to dinner, fictional or non-fictional, who would it be and what would you serve?”). It actually really does work. If the focus is on the kids, they stay longer at the table, talk more—and eat more too! The Mister and I can catch up after the kiddos are in bed. Or maybe in 18 years…
  2. We serve food in courses. This is a tip I got from my all-time favorite book on how to get kids to eat well: French Kids Eat Everything. If you serve dinner in courses (for example: first a salad, then chicken and roasted vegetables, then bread and butter, then dessert), kids will not only eat their veggies, but they’ll stay longer at the table because they know each course is something even better. Plus, every time you eat dinner, it feels like a special occasion, like every night is a celebration. And who wouldn’t want to stick around just a little bit longer for that? Kids LOVE celebrating (read: crashing parties). We don’t do courses every night, but I definitely notice a difference when we do. (Seriously, read that book. It changed our lives!)
  3. We enforce a no-getting-up-until-everyone-is-done rule. At first I thought that would be a drag (see aforementioned note on kids abandoning ship and adults enjoying wine and conversation), but this was the number one problem we were having at restaurants, and it needed to be addressed at home. When the kids are used to hopping up as soon as they’re done eating, dining out becomes a problem—especially when many well-meaning servers bring the kids’ food out before the adults’ food. Hence, the new rule. It’s a work in progress, but we want our kids to understand that eating is only a portion of the joy that comes from sharing a meal with family and friends. The true joy of dinnertime comes from lingering, talking, telling stories, and laughing—together. Even if they’re done and want to push their plates away, we still ask them to stay just a little bit longer, and we follow up by asking them a specific question (“Did you learn any new tips at soccer practice tonight?”).
  4. We enforce manners. This doesn’t keep them at the table longer, per se—unless you count them having to ask in a perfunctory way if they can be excused and us deciding whether or not they may be, but it does make eating with them more pleasant. At a restaurant, I don’t want them to fling their edamame across the floor, so I make sure to remind them of these rules at home. No, you cannot reach across your sister for the guacamole, you must ask her to pass it. No, you cannot wipe your hands on your shirt, you must use your napkin. Why? Because it’s poor table manners, and table manners are important. It may seem overly strict, but I want my kids to retain a fraction of these ideals when we’re out in public, so it doesn’t look like an abandoned pig slop when we leave.
  5. We ask the kids to describe the food. “Disgusting” is not only not polite, it’s not descriptive. We ask our kids to tell us what they like, what they dislike, what flavors they taste (savory, buttery, acidic, sweet, etc.), what textures they can pick out (creamy, crispy, tender, etc.), what they would add or take away to make the meal better. It may delay their inevitable boredom with the meal for a few minutes, and it certainly gets them interested in the food. They’ve also learned, via this method, not to insult the cook by insulting the food. Even if they don’t care for something, they are not allowed to call it yucky or turn their noses up at what they are served.
  6. We always try to have at least one thing the kids enjoy for dinner, or we bribe them with dessert. I’m always amazed how long the kids will eat when we have pasta for dinner. They get third and fourth helpings, talking happily the entire time. Conversely, they’re done in three mouthfuls if we have something they don’t care for—like vegetable risotto. I don’t cater to them (we’re not having burgers and pizza twice a week), but I try to have at least one thing I know they love, or remind them that there is dessert as soon as the grown-ups are done too, so they stay at the table longer.

I will say that going out to dinner with just my kids is becoming easier and more pleasant since we started following these rules together, but we have work to do when it comes to going out with multiple families. Many kids make for much destruction. In the meantime, Mamas, go forth and enjoy your dinners in relative (albeit short-lived) peace! May the fork be with you.

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Any tips for us from Mamas who have successfully gone out to dinner with your young ones?
Or hilariously horrible tales to tell?

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