My husband and I just recently (within the last 6 months) decided that we definitely want to grow our family. I’ve been off of any kind of birth control for three years, and we’ve just been operating under the idea that, “If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen.” Until now. Now, we WANT it to happen. Now, my days are filled with natural fertility web sites, charts, temperatures, and trying to figure out what my body is telling me, so I can tell my husband, so we can have the baby I’ve wanted since we welcomed our first child into the world.
Since my first pregnancy was an unplanned surprise, we thought that since we were actually planning this out that it would be pretty easy. Not so much. I know how to track my cycle. I know when to “do the deed.” But so far, it just hasn’t happened. I know that the window of opportunity each month is actually pretty small. I know that for the first few months, I was just trying to figure out the whole charting thing. I know it could take a while of doing this for us to actually get a big ol’ positive test.
I also know that in the last three months, nearly everyone we are close to has announced a pregnancy or welcomed a new baby into their lives. Some have welcomed their second or even third child in the time since we’ve had our first.
While I love my friends, and I love their children like they’re my own…they’re NOT my own. With each and every announcement, I find myself feeling less joy and more disappointment. Why isn’t that me? What are they doing that I’m not? Is something wrong with me? With us? And why can’t I feel happy for people I love? And (perhaps the most irrational—but also painful), why must people continue to point out the obvious—that I’m not pregnant?
Family and friends constantly “put in their requests” for another baby. Every time I don’t feel well, my Mom cracks a joke about morning sickness, and I cry on the inside. Every time someone mentions my ticking biological clock, I break a little more. And every time I get some well meaning advice like “It’ll happen in time,” my heart aches. I don’t think people realize that. I’m honestly not even sure my husband knows.
I want to scream from the rooftops that we’re trying, but I know that if I do that, I’m opening the door to a lot more nosiness and unwanted advice. And, let’s be honest, NO ONE needs to be that involved in my sex life (other than my husband). I don’t want well-meaning advice just like I don’t want the “Oh, it didn’t happen this month? Too bad,” that would inevitably come with announcing our plans to everyone.
For those of you in the same boat as I am, I know where you are coming from. I understand wanting to skip baby showers, and having a sad day or two each month when “Aunt Flow” comes right on time. You aren’t alone! I’m here with you, temping and ovulation testing and cycle tracking each month.
For those of you who are pregnant, or who do have that new baby at home? Deep down, I TRULY am happy for you and your family. I am just struggling with my own disappointment and sadness right now too. I do want to come over and love on your newborns. Please, try to understand. I am struggling with my own emotions and have to move through and past that first.
And, lastly, for those of you with a woman in your life who you would LOVE to see with a new baby? Chances are THEY would love to see themselves with a new baby, too. For whatever reason, it’s not happening. Maybe there are fertility issues. Maybe her spouse isn’t on board. Maybe finances aren’t right. Maybe now is just not the time. I know you mean well, and I know you say these things because you love this person and her family, but please, be aware that you may not know their whole situation. Your well-meaning comments may hurt them more than you realize.
Some great points here. Trying to conceive is a very emotional experience for lots of families – especially if there are difficulties or friends are pregnant and you’re not yet. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.