Ok, I just have to ask – what is up with the latest fashion trends? I have completely failed in my resolution to avoid online shopping, and what I’m seeing in my email feed has me utterly befuddled. DSW is telling me I must have the slide dress sandal. My response? I already had these – in teal – and I donated them to Goodwill six years ago. I remember my mother cringing when I started wearing bell bottoms and peace sign earrings in middle school – now I’m the one saying “I’ve already worn that!”
And I know fashion is cyclical. My closet is stocked with mini-skirts and flared leg jeans that lie in wait for the maxi-dress and skinny boyfriend trend to run its course. But there are some fashion mistakes I just won’t be making again . . .
The Mom Jean
First of all, I AM a mom. MY jeans are mid-rise, skinny, dark washed and sometimes distressed. So this high waisted, stone-washed, loose/tapered leg craze just makes me laugh. I wore these in middle school, presumably before jeans had any other leg shape. And had I pulled these bad-boys out in high school, I would have been stuffed in a locker. I kid you not, Mom Jeans even have a Wikipedia page describing them as “a high waist (rising above the belly button), making the buttocks appear disproportionately longer, larger, and flatter than they otherwise might.” And yet, Urban Outfitters, Top Shop, H&M and others are selling these as the coolest of styles. Please tell me they are pairing them with a woven belt…
The Chunky Heel
I don’t know about you, but the first thing I want people to notice when I’m dressed up for a night on the town is the size of my feet. Granted, the chunky heel is stable and therefore very practical – but when has practicality ever lead to good fashion choices?
The Off Shoulder Top
Not gonna lie, I LOVE this look. It looks amazing on my 12-year-old-boy-like frame. It broadens my shoulders and bulks up my bosom, and I totally rocked it for many a college date night. But you know what you can’t do in this look? Pick up a child. And if, by some miracle, you do manage to keep the sleeves down where they are supposed to be, you run the risk of said child pulling your top even further down. That will get you kicked out of Chick-fil-A.
Ok, I am ALL FOR a fashion trend that allows me to wear my yoga pants out in public. But let’s be honest — Sporty Spice totally started this back in the 90s. Umbro soccer shorts, basketball jerseys, those comfortable/practical Adidas slide sandals . . .
This style here is simply supporting my hoarding tendencies. Because I had some seriously sweet chokers. And I gave them away. (10 years ago??) What is really cracking me up? The nylon woven choker – you know, the one that slightly resembles Frankenstein’s sutures? The one my mother told me looked silly when I tried to wear it in 7th grade. My server at The Dog of Nashville was totally wearing this last week.
So my take-away from all this? I’m either officially “old” or my middle-school style was so “cool” they simply had to bring it back. I think I’ll go with the later. I mean, look at that hair! That’s a lob, right?